Broken. Half the Time.
I naturally wake up around 5:50am. It's not a "I'm ready to get out of bed" situation. But I truly enjoy this time to wake up with the world, to sit in stillness and reflect before I act.
This morning I checked in with a few friends and learned they are struggling. Really struggling. Each telling was similar...I'm broken and broke, my resources are depleted, my relationships are unhealthy, my work is fulfilling but not paying my bills/my work is gutting me but I can't leave because I won't be able to pay my bills, my kids don't respect me and my partner is unavailable, I'm tired, I've failed...again, and I don't think I can bare to start again. These women are in their 40s and nearing 50s. They spoke of feeling as though "they should have their shit together" by now.
My heart ached. Not because of their current situations but because of the final stab...the dagger they pushed in at the very end. "I should have my shit together by now". All of this felt so close to home. I've been there. In that space. And I imagine I might find myself there again. This isn't a defeatist moment. Quite the opposite actually.
As I sat in silence this morning I conceded I probably don't have my shit together 50% of the time. I decided 50% is fairly accurate based on the basic concepts of balance. There is just as much light as darkness. There is an out for every in. There is an up for every down. And so forth. It's a 50/50 thing.
In yoga, we use the practices to help us manage the ups and downs of life. As an animist, I sit with Mother Earth for grounding and remembrance of my own resilience. And through shamanic based practices, I commune with my guides for protection and guidance. So with all these ancient tools available, we must realize the ebb and flow is older than time. Heck, it might be Time itself.
Anyway, this morning I realized the difference between me and my dear friends today was not the struggle or lack of struggle -- cuz we are One on that front. The difference was that I had decided some time ago, I wasn't going to beat myself up over it anymore. I wasn't going to push in that final dagger.
It's a 50/50 deal...this life we live. But I'll take those odds. 50% of the time, I may feel broken...but the 50% of the time that I don't, I'll use it to hold you up. I've got you.
Need a moment to pull that dagger out and tend to yourself? www.ericanunnally.com for upcoming workshops, events, and retreats.